My Worst Call of the Day

From the dozens of idiotic calls I take each day as a customer service representative, I humbly submit the winner.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Out to Get Me

Today’s worst call came from a man who has something of a persecution complex. On the surface, his complaint was a simple dispute about a meter reading that his electric company had taken. He believed that the company misread his meter and overcharged him as a result. I get this complaint a lot, of course, but this particular caller insisted that his case was special.

“I have enemies,” he said in hushed, fearful tones. “There are people out there . . . relatives . . . neighbors . . . co-workers . . . who take great pleasure in causing me pain and suffering. I have no doubt that they are the ones behind this.” The caller spoke with such solemn earnestness that I involuntarily started choking with laughter.

After I stopped hacking up phlegm, I wheezily replied, “Um, okay . . . and do any of these people work for the electric company?”

“No, not that I’m aware of,” he confessed, “but it wouldn’t matter. My enemies have a great deal of influence in this town. They have ways of getting at me . . .”

I tried to reassure the caller that misreadings occur frequently, and suggested that he take a meter reading now and report it to the electric company. That way, the company could compare his reading with the one they took, and see how far apart the two are.

“I’m not going anywhere near that meter,” he wailed. “That’s probably just what my enemies want me to do. For all I know, they booby-trapped it, and I’d be blown to kingdom come!”

Fighting back more riotous, snorting laugher, I informed the caller in my most deadpan voice that this issue was well outside of my jurisdiction. I urged him to contact law enforcement if he felt that someone was trying to kill or maim him by tampering with his meter.

“I already have,” he hissed, “but they wouldn’t investigate either! It’s clear to me now that this conspiracy is even larger than I thought. All of you are in league with my enemies!”

And with that, he hung up, robbing me of my chance to reply, “Curses! Foiled again! But we’ll get you next time, mark my words . . . .moooahhbwahahaha . . . BWA-HA-HA-HA . . . BWA-HA- *ack, koff, hack* . . . damn . . . *wheeze* . . . fucking cigarettes . . ."

35 Comments:

  • At 10/26/2005 6:31 PM, Blogger AnonymousCog said…

    That...is...incredibly...funny!

    AC

     
  • At 10/26/2005 10:02 PM, Anonymous dyslexicdaisy said…

    awesome!
    we work for a software....giant...and had a woman call in to say that the FBI and our company had implanted a device in her uterus to monitor her child as it grew and our company knew all about it. so did the US government... so the manager that got the escalation had to tell her that we support software and she would need to contact her hardware manufacturer...LMFAO Ooooooh the joys of life in a cube...

     
  • At 10/28/2005 11:05 AM, Blogger mr_g said…

    I remember when I worked for a state assembly member in college we got a six page handwritten rambling letter from a constituent who was trying to prove his conspiracy theory by using anagrams of his name that were close to other famous people's names...really weird and scary logic. I just keep picturing an evil scientist churning these people out to wreak havoc on everyone in any service industry!

     
  • At 10/31/2005 2:09 PM, Blogger Doug said…

    He was messing with you. They do that. They all do that.

     
  • At 11/09/2005 7:13 PM, Blogger Noah said…

    Wow, I just found this blog today. congratulations, it is absolutely hilarious. Thank you for reporting what no one else had the guts to.

     
  • At 12/10/2005 11:04 PM, Blogger Spike said…

    I'm picturing this guy as Bart Simpson writing lines on the blackboard. "I must must ring call centres before taking my medication, I must not ring call centres ..."

     
  • At 12/18/2005 12:28 PM, Blogger Keith said…

    It's not funny. This sort of thing does go on. I am under surveilance at the moment by MI5. They have planted a video camera in my dogs brain so that they can watch my every movement through his eyes. I know this because he is watching me now, but luckily he cant read so he doesn't know that I'm asking you to help me. You gotta help me. Please send poisoned dog food as quickly as possible!

     
  • At 12/20/2005 7:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Long time no Blog!! As a regular reader in a similar field I cant waite for your next entry

     
  • At 12/27/2005 1:10 AM, Blogger bedroomdancer said…

    Very origional, frech idea for a blog. I enjoyed!

     
  • At 1/13/2006 1:00 PM, Blogger Jordan, and ya don't stop said…

    more!! so funny!

    -Jordan

     
  • At 1/13/2006 10:49 PM, Blogger phlegmfatale said…

    I think I love you. So what am I so afraid of?

     
  • At 2/06/2006 9:18 PM, Anonymous sarah said…

    HAHA. damn. that has got to be one of the funniest things i've heard.

    cheers~

     
  • At 3/04/2006 2:05 PM, Blogger Internet Street Philosopher said…

    That is a good one, if you don't mind can I use that story for a story I am writing, please? I want to adapt it a bit.

     
  • At 3/25/2006 2:14 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    GREAT site. I rarely laugh out loud at much of anything but this caused me to laugh so hard I embarrassed myself at work with my breathless, snorting laughter. (I am a CSR for an appliance manufacturer.)

    I am sad that the stories have stopped. Hopefully, you will come back.

     
  • At 5/15/2006 11:35 PM, Anonymous Bansidhe said…

    Callers are crazy. Come join us in venting about them.

    www.callcenterslave.com

     
  • At 8/17/2006 1:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I wonder how long you have worked in a call center. You must be a beginner. This is a typical schizophrenia issue. If you are going to take calls, you need to expect you will encounter mental illness, drugs, language barriers, suiside, loneliness, old age, etc. I have only worked a call center 3 months and know/respect this reality. At this point you are taking cheap shots at those who are weaker than you, a typical bully. This is not a high school "In/out" or "I'm better than you crowd" issue.

     
  • At 9/12/2006 2:55 PM, Blogger Doug said…

    They got you, didn't they?

     
  • At 9/16/2006 3:18 AM, Anonymous Call Center Information Site said…

    Just found your site. I hope you will return with some fresh stories.

    Also, if there are any that would like to post anonymously, please visit the Call Center Agents Confessions Page at: http://www.comprehensiveadvice.com/callcenters

     
  • At 4/21/2007 2:27 PM, Blogger Threethan said…

    I just read three of your posts, and I must admit, I love your tongue in cheek approach. I remember when I worked for a collection agency, we'd have alot of calls like these. I -wish- I could have responded in kind to some of these people.

    I'm deffinately comming back for more.

     
  • At 7/27/2007 9:05 AM, Anonymous Abby said…

    Hello, Anonymous Me...is there any way to get in touch with you? I am doing some research on creative resistance by bloggers and would love to interview you. Please write to me at aschoneboomATgc.cuny.edu. Thanks!

     
  • At 11/05/2007 5:07 PM, Blogger Discount Lenses said…

    No more updates?! We need some more laughs here at the office, please?

     
  • At 4/26/2008 5:43 PM, Anonymous jesze said…

    As someone who also works in CS, I discovered that for the most part, it's either the loonies or the incredibly stupid who contact you. The loonies, are well, loony, but it's the stupid ones who make me cry. With laughter!

     
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  • At 8/01/2010 9:22 PM, Anonymous hate said…

    I like your blog, what happened? Why havent you updated in so long?

     
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  • At 10/15/2010 12:12 PM, Anonymous Glenn Friesen | Service Evangelist said…

    Where are you now, did you move to a different career?

     
  • At 1/25/2011 11:56 PM, Blogger chandra said…

    I work for HP and had lot of customer coming hard at me. Firstly we need to have good product knowledge! and will to help the customer..i mean educating him till he finds his path. Else we need to hear these words..


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  • At 7/20/2011 12:10 AM, Anonymous contact center service said…

    OMG, you have made me laugh! haahahah great article :D

     

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