My Worst Call of the Day

From the dozens of idiotic calls I take each day as a customer service representative, I humbly submit the winner.

Monday, October 17, 2005

My Demands Are As Follows . . .

As you’ve perhaps noticed from my earlier posts, gentle reader, many of my callers possess an unwarranted sense of entitlement. As such, they foolishly subscribe to the following series of myths:

1) There will be no negative consequences for anything I’ve done.
2) It’s always someone else’s fault.
3) The world owes me something.

But even among these clearly delusional people, there is a group of callers that has moved beyond mere entitlement to nothing less than the diva-esque issuing of edicts and demands. And it is, of course, my tragic lot in life to deal with these petty dictators. For your reading pleasure, then, here are some of the recent demands that have been shouted at me, along with the replies I desperately wanted to make.

Demand: I want you to arrest the CEO of my electric company on charges of fraud!
Reply: I can’t actually arrest anyone since I’m not a police officer, although I do enjoy dressing up as one and dancing around the house to “YMCA.”

Demand: You need to call my boss and tell him I ain’t coming to work today on account of the emotional anguish I’ve suffered since my heat got turned off!
Reply: Sure, I’d be happy to, ma’am, but I might just replace the words “emotional anguish” with “a white-hot, pustule-popping case of chlamydia.” Do you still want me to make the call?

Demand: Come to my house and help me balance my checkbook—I can’t tell if my payment to the gas company has cleared.
Reply: I want a pretty pony!

Demand: You need to get your ass down here and read my fucking meter!
Reply: Is “read my fucking meter” some kind of code for a specific sex act? And if so, how much would you pay me to perform it?

Demand: I want your agency to be disbanded ‘cause you’re all useless, and in bed with the utility companies!
Reply: I AM NOT USELESS IN BED!!! . . . what? . . . oh, I see . . . “useless, AND in bed.” Oh yeah, that’s all true—we’re totally corrupt! Sorry, my mistake.


  • At 10/17/2005 11:01 PM, Anonymous TheInfamousJ said…

    I'm a lurker and happy reader and I have only one comment to make on this whole thing: Wow, the spam bots found you pretty quickly, didn't they?

  • At 10/17/2005 11:12 PM, Blogger Anonymous Me said…

    Yes they did. They appear faster than I can delete them . . . the fuckers.

  • At 10/18/2005 5:43 PM, Anonymous Kitty Pryde said…

    Love your blog. I know what you mean about people expecting the world owes them. Today, some idiot said this to me: "I'll have you know I graduated summa cum laude. I'm entitled!" Really?

  • At 10/19/2005 8:03 PM, Blogger Doug said…

    Entitled to what, Ariel?

    Anonymous, How much do you charge for "meter reading?"

  • At 10/20/2005 3:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hey just wanted to say this is hilarious! i just found it youre back, and thats soooooooooo great, i was a rep too for a cust service campaign for a really crappy telephone company and i experienced pretty much everything you write about , its great u have the hability to put it into words!!! Im not in that job anymore... THANK GOD! but now i am in reservations its better but i have to deal all day with dominicans yapping about things like 'give me the special' 'thats not really cheap' 'dont you have anything cheaper? and my favorite: 'how come the rate is so high?!'... oy!

  • At 10/20/2005 6:55 PM, Anonymous kitty pryde said…

    Well, Doug, I wish I could say it was something important, like a new car or immediate electrical service reconnection. However, I believe it was just the last cold Barq's Root Beer in the 'fridge. Some people's goals are so--limited.

  • At 10/21/2005 4:14 PM, Anonymous Simon Gray said…

    Hey, if Doug gets a "meter reading", I get one too! Oh, wait, I'm not... errr... never mind.

  • At 10/21/2005 4:42 PM, Blogger mr_g said…

    A friend of mine's sister is on welfare. When she heard that my friend, who maybe makes 50 or 60 k a year tops, was getting a tax refund, she remarked, "Well, that's how it always is. The rich keep getting all the refunds." It's like, no you idiot, the people who paid taxes in the first place get refunds! Entitled my ASS!

  • At 9/05/2006 5:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…



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