My Worst Call of the Day

From the dozens of idiotic calls I take each day as a customer service representative, I humbly submit the winner.

Thursday, August 25, 2005

The Top Ten Reasons Why I Haven’t Updated My Blog

Yes, yes, I know I’ve been a bad blogger over the past few months, and I’ve violated your sacred trust, blah blah blah. But I have some really good reasons for my prolonged absence. Wanna hear them?

10. I’ve spent every waking hour since May working on my tan. My skin is the color of burnt toast, and its texture is reminiscent of beef jerky. I feel pretty.

9. Inspired by the deranged rantings of a major Hollywood crackpot, I have joined the cult of a mediocre science fiction writer, aka The Church of Scientology. As part of the brainwashing process, my sense of humor has been completely erased. As a result, I am no longer able to find humor in the mewling spastics who call me each day and waste my time with their foolishness. In fact, I am no longer able to find humor in much of anything, which makes “Battlefield Earth” a hell of a lot more difficult to watch.

8. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Hold me.

7. You don’t honestly expect me to stay cooped up indoors writing my blog, when I could be cooped up indoors surfing the internet for free porn and drinking myself to death, do you?

6. A family emergency came up. That is, if by “family” I mean someone I’ve been screwing, and by “emergency” I mean a last-minute invitation to join this person for a 10-week stay at a Sandals resort in the Bahamas, then yes, it WAS a family emergency. Don’t tell my boss, okay?

5. One morning when I was in a horribly foul mood, my boss foisted pictures of his newborn grandson on me. When forced to respond to the inevitable, “Isn’t he the cutest little thing you’ve ever seen?” I honestly replied that he looked like an undercooked meatloaf with eyes. What can I say? I hadn’t had my coffee yet.

4. I’ve decided to channel my creative juices into that gay historical romance novel I’ve always wanted to write. It’s an epic tale of love and sodomy between two pirates, and it’s called, “Bluebeard’s Sword, Blackbeard’s Scabbard.” The book is supposed to be published in time for Valentine’s Day 2006, under the Roughe Trayde imprint. Pre-order your copy now!

3. I finally caved in and followed the urgings of my friends, family, co-workers, and therapist, and started taking industrial-strength antidepressants. My job still sucks ass, of course, but I just don’t care anymore. In fact, I hardly even get upset when I discover that I’ve shit myself. Again.

2. One word, three letters: jail. I swear I didn’t know that the goat was underage.

1. My tragic substance-abuse problem took a turn for the worse three months ago. After injecting a cocktail of embalming fluid and fabric softener into a vein in my eye, I passed out and have only just regained consciousness. My doctor is calling this little episode a coma, but I prefer to think of it as an extended catnap. So can anyone tell me what’s been happening on “Days of Our Lives”?


  • At 8/25/2005 1:14 PM, Blogger Mooley said…

    Glad you're back from the coam then. Keep the hate alive.

  • At 8/26/2005 3:43 AM, Anonymous Jon said…

    Your blog is one of the best around (when its updated). It makes me laugh more than most. For that, I am truly thankful. Glad you're back!

  • At 8/26/2005 1:58 PM, Anonymous Simon Gray said…

    Well, well, well -- look who remembered how to use his computer. Too bad you can't remember how to count -- "jail" has 4 letters, knothead. They must have really worked you over in the slammer.

    Speaking of slammers -- you're buying me a birthday drink tonight. Sans fabric softener, please.

    Glad you're back -- looking forward to reading more.

  • At 8/28/2005 12:54 PM, Blogger Rev. Dubya said…

    Welcome back.

  • At 8/28/2005 11:56 PM, Blogger grace said…

    Funny!! Glad you're back!!

  • At 8/29/2005 3:58 PM, Blogger peanutbutterfilthy said…

    Wooo! Welcome back!

  • At 8/29/2005 11:10 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    So glad you are back. I work for a utility call center in the deep south. I am glad to see we don't get all the weirdo customers.

  • At 8/31/2005 1:55 PM, Anonymous Village Idiot said…

    Patience rewarded.
    The townsfolk tittered behind my back for repeatedly checking your blog for updates.
    Who's the ass hat now, you nincompoops?

    Please for the love of Pete, update regularly so I can live vicariously through your exploits.

  • At 9/01/2005 9:11 AM, Blogger Doug said…

    On Days of Our Lives, a beautiful call-center worker accidentally injected a cocktail of embalming fluid and fabric softener into a vein in her eye, went into a Coma, and was mistakenly loaded into the cargohold of an airplane bound for the Bahamas where her beloved, having been teamed by two pirates, washed ashore and woke her with a kiss.

  • At 9/01/2005 8:44 PM, Anonymous dyslexicdaisy said…

    yay you're back! good stuff, i can almost picture #3 happening to some people i work

  • At 9/03/2005 7:27 AM, Blogger Anastasia said…

    well it's about bloody time!

    As for Days? Well I don't know what's would be great if they reanimated Stefano di Mera. He was 'the man'!

    His reincarnation as Mossimo in B and B isn't the same, I always wait for him to transform into an uber demon rivalling Darth Vader, but like that's going to happen in the world of Bold and the Beautiful.

  • At 9/03/2005 5:01 PM, Blogger mr_g said…

    I was ready to unlink you...glad you're back. Hope to hear more of your calls, they fucking kill a very good way, I might add!

  • At 9/06/2005 3:07 PM, Blogger Amanda said…

    if you are going to return to the blog-world i will keep reading...this was a hoot! wow.

  • At 9/07/2005 2:29 PM, Blogger My Life Is God's Comic Strip said…

    Thank the Lord Jesus, the Holy Ghost and the Blessed Virgin Mary!!!! Oh, and special thanks to the Easter Bunny and the Toothfairy for sending you back!!! Phew!

  • At 9/11/2005 11:48 AM, Blogger Daisy Girl said…

    Glad you are back to blogging!

  • At 9/12/2005 7:37 PM, Anonymous Jacqueline said…

    What's happened now?? I can't do without my "worstcall" moment of non-boredom!! please blog more... we all await the laughter you bring...

  • At 9/12/2005 11:22 PM, Blogger LIVE CREATIVE (Alison) said…


    hell is a call centre
    lord, let me die a little
    take more life away from me
    death in a headset
    screen showing terror
    and horrors
    of life confined
    hell is a call centre
    indeed i compare

  • At 9/21/2005 5:01 AM, Blogger Bob Simms said…

    11 Why should you get this for free when I could sell my insights?

    12 Because I have no regard for you

    and the main one: Because I can't be bothered.

    Cool site.

  • At 9/23/2005 6:11 PM, Blogger Doug said…

    Now waiting for the next 10. Coquette!

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  • At 7/06/2006 8:07 PM, Blogger lowlights said…

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