My Worst Call of the Day

From the dozens of idiotic calls I take each day as a customer service representative, I humbly submit the winner.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

The Gentle Art of Diplomacy

Following in the footsteps of my last post, I'm writing once again about the vast difference between what is said, and what is true. With this entry, I'll be translating my typically polite, diplomatic language into the brutally honest sentiments that lie just beneath the surface.

What I say: Can I put you on hold for a minute? I need to look something up.
What I mean: I'm going to take a leak, grab a doughnut, and sneak outside for a smoke. I'm hoping you'll have hung up by the time I get back.

What I say: Oh, that's okay, sir, don't worry about it. A lot of people can't remember their own phone number.
What I mean: You shouldn't be allowed to breed, you dumbf*ck.

What I say: You want to talk to my supervisor? Sure, I'll put you right through.
What I mean: And he'll tell you the exact same thing I just did, jackass. Just because you didn't like what I told you, doesn't mean it's not true.

What I say: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I'm having trouble understanding what you're saying.
What I mean: Surely you can find a better time to finish eating that piece of chicken.

What I say: If you use profanity again, sir, I will disconnect this call.
What I mean: And because I have your name and address, I'll sign you up for a lifetime subscription to the raunchiest gay porn magazine I can find.

What I say: It appears that the gas company is investigating your account for some fraudulent or unauthorized usage.
What I mean: Duuuude, you are so f*cking busted, man.

And finally:

What I say: Thanks for calling us today, and feel free to call back if you need more assistance.
What I mean: You have wasted fifteen minutes of my life with your foolishness, and I can only pray that one of my co-workers will have to deal with you next time. So goodbye, and good riddance!

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33 Comments:

  • At 5/26/2005 10:08 AM, Blogger Anastasia said…

    Oh yeah.. I'm right with you 100%.

    It's definitely a fine art mixed with patience (I've always desired to slam down phones, throw phones, tell people I'm all for 'Eugenics'...geez..callers can bring out many thoughts).

    On a lighter note, imagine how phone sex workers feel.

    ("Yeah right, I'd probably need an electron microscope to see your dick but I'll tell you it's gigantic only so I can get off the phone and have a smoke.")

     
  • At 5/26/2005 10:22 AM, Blogger Jack Burden said…

    This is a great blog. I do tech support, and I've gotten so used to soft-soaping people's ignorance for their own benefit (so I don't have to put up with their attitude) that I'm losing the ability to actually tell people what I think of them, in both work or personal life.

     
  • At 5/26/2005 10:38 AM, Anonymous Master Foley said…

    use them all the time

     
  • At 5/26/2005 8:50 PM, Blogger Who Knew? said…

    I do tech support too...And I did customer service before that. I'm so used to "dumbing it down" I find myself talking slow at other times...lol These jobs suck the life out of us...

     
  • At 5/27/2005 4:01 AM, Anonymous Spring said…

    I learned the old "Let me research that and get back to you" line when I didn't know the answer to something. Necessary line to know, because I was put on a phone as an "insurance expert" when in reality, I was a mail clerk filling in only because they were short-staffed.

    Guess I'm busted now!

     
  • At 5/27/2005 11:26 AM, Blogger My Life Is God's Comic Strip said…

    What I say: Wow, this is a very nice blog. What I mean: Holy sh*t!!! This is soooo damn funny that I actually laugh, guffaw, snort, titter and howl when I read it.

     
  • At 5/27/2005 11:26 AM, Blogger My Life Is God's Comic Strip said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     
  • At 5/27/2005 3:27 PM, Blogger Vics said…

    LMAO - I've done my time in call centre hell and I can find nothing wrong with what you've said - except I'm too wet/ nice/ stupid to ever deliberately put someone on hold without actually doing what I told them I was doing (mainly because every place I worked had the call stats scrutinised and all the calls were recorded, oh yeah - and if I left my desk for any reason the shift supervisor was straight in there.

     
  • At 5/29/2005 1:32 AM, Blogger Anastasia said…

    I experienced that. You leave your desk, everyone is on the phone and you're dying to take a leak (let's say) and, this has occured to me, you have to make an announcement that you have to go to the toilet. God forbid the phone ring four times!
    Our telephone utility companies here have the great rep of putting clients on hold for half an hour at a time. At my work, a supervisor informed me that a person wasn't to be placed on hold for longer than a minute. I laughed and reminded them to call Telstra (our main phone company here) and tell me how long they were put on hold for. They didn't appreciate this (naturally).

     
  • At 5/29/2005 3:37 PM, Blogger Dunyasha said…

    I can completely relate! About a month after I started this job I came in, answered some calls and about 30 mins into my shift I ran to the restroom (which is *just* around the corner from my desk). When I got back I got a lecture about being late and logging into my phone at the moment my shift starts. I had been logged in for 25 minutes and I was away from my desk for 3 minutes. God forbid I not explain my bodily functions to my coworkers.

     
  • At 6/01/2005 10:06 AM, Blogger thebossman said…

    Yeah. sometimes it can be pretty hard to keep a straight face with some of these customer jokesters!

    I posted a new entry on my blog and would like to hear your opinion:

    http://tinyurl.com/djgau

     
  • At 6/02/2005 12:05 AM, Blogger Rubicon said…

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

     
  • At 6/04/2005 12:31 AM, Blogger madman said…

    Funny Funny stuff--anyone in sales or customer service needs to read your blog.

     
  • At 6/04/2005 1:22 PM, Blogger Car Gal said…

    Great Blog! Keep up the good work.

     
  • At 6/15/2005 6:43 AM, Blogger Jamie said…

    You know, I could do the same thing with my job. I am a nurse. I can hear the lies before they walk through the doors. And I always wonder if they can hear mine.

     
  • At 6/20/2005 9:03 PM, Blogger Stacey said…

    As a waitress, I deal with this same stupid BS every shift. People lie all the time. It's sickening. If they wait 15 minutes for a table, they say they waited an hour.
    If the steak is medium well instead of well, they say there's blood all over their plate.
    They also lie and say "thanks, everything was great" and leave 5% tips.
    People suck and working with the general public sucks and the only people I like anymore are my family and other people who hate the general public (like yourself).
    Stay strong!

     
  • At 6/21/2005 2:44 PM, Blogger Evel said…

    One of the reasons I love working Sunday nights, is because I can actually say what I mean every once in a while.

    It makes it bearable.

     
  • At 6/21/2005 2:45 PM, Anonymous Eva said…

    Just one problem, I am the only "Eva" in the building.

     
  • At 7/01/2005 7:22 PM, Blogger WTF? said…

    LOL

     
  • At 7/03/2005 1:45 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    did you fall off the face of the earth?

     
  • At 7/03/2005 10:05 PM, Blogger Paul said…

    I have to say, as someone who wrote a book about Customer Service and the people I dealt with for the book - you guys have the tough end of the stick.

    Kudos to you.

     
  • At 7/06/2005 10:25 AM, Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said…

    Oh funny, funny! I'm a newbie to your blog. Nice.

     
  • At 7/08/2005 9:22 PM, Blogger Operator15 said…

    I am once again reminded why I am profoundly grateful I no longer work in a call center.

    You are hilarious. Keep up the good work.

     
  • At 7/11/2005 2:32 PM, Blogger Saur♥Kraut said…

    Thank you for a blog that reminds me that I have much to be grateful for because I am not in a call center. I was once (it was my first job) but I realized that if I continued in the profession, I would become an insane sociopath. So, for the good of society, I never did it again.

     
  • At 7/23/2005 12:39 AM, Blogger mr_g said…

    Great Blog! I can relate to this stuff on so many different levels...really well done! Very entertaining!

     
  • At 7/28/2005 8:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Did I miss something?? why have there been no posts since MAY!!?!?! i love this site - makes me laugh like no other, and i share it with everyone i know! give us another, 'anonymous me'... we're dyin out here!

     
  • At 7/29/2005 1:11 PM, Blogger Doug said…

    Please come back, Anonymous Me, I even read With Charity Toward None.

     
  • At 8/10/2005 10:20 PM, Anonymous kelly said…

    come back come back...

     
  • At 8/12/2005 11:14 AM, Anonymous MC said…

    Hey whats up with this? isn't like august the 12th? and the last entry was in may... wich can only mean 2 things, either the author of this very good blog quit her job so she has nothing else to tell or poeple have changed and are actually good to her and tell her nice things (and mean it) such as 'you did a wonderful job darling, i will send a letter to your company and say great things about you' ha ha ha yeah right... lets us all hope that shes fine and didnt succumbed to this callers and turned a sociopath like them..

     
  • At 8/17/2005 8:38 PM, Blogger The One Your Mother Warned You About said…

    Too Funny! Great site, I'll be back for sure!

     
  • At 8/19/2005 4:18 AM, Blogger Ben O. said…

    Nice - where were you when I got all those calls the other day. I'll pay ya just to protect me from all the idiots who call my home.

    Great site - Ben O.

    http://everyothernamehasbeentaken.blogspot.com/

     
  • At 9/27/2006 10:38 PM, Blogger Goobian said…

    you know how many times I have thought the same thing about that transferring them to a supervisor?? The supervisor won't overrule what I say I am following the damn script!! I just think oh go head, lemme give you my rep id and my name again, so they can make sure to give me kudos because I am doing my job!

     
  • At 1/22/2011 12:57 PM, Blogger Amby Jones said…

    Here's my review of what happened to the worst Ad agency in Bangalore...
    A must read for those who want to know how an Ad Agency shouldn't run itself.....

    A production of Laughing Skeletons:
    Did you THiNK - a review of Think IMC
    http://laughingskeletons.blogspot.com/

     

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