My Worst Call of the Day

From the dozens of idiotic calls I take each day as a customer service representative, I humbly submit the winner.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Dumb As a Box of Rocks

Today's worst call was a milestone in my long and undistinguished career as a customer service rep. With the possible exception of some high-ranking elected officials, today's caller was the stupidest goddamn person I've ever talked to. Bear in mind that the people I deal with every single day are incapable of stringing three words together to form a complete sentence. So yeah, this guy could be outwitted by a cantaloupe (and not even a particularly clever one). But let me start at the beginning . . .

The caller started the conversation off by saying that he wanted to file a lawsuit against the electric company. I advised the caller that he was welcome to do that, but that he could file a complaint with my agency before resorting to legal action. He agreed to this, and explained his grievance with the company.

The problem, he stated, was that a power line had fallen onto his driveway during a storm. He called the company to report the downed line, but after waiting for half an hour, he decided to move the line himself. He did this, he informed me, because he was "a very busy man with places to go and people to see." The caller also told me that, at the time, he suspected it was a live wire, but that he wasn't too worried about moving it.

Given this information, should it come as any surprise that Mr. Dumbass received the jolt of his life upon touching the wire? Apparently the patron saint of complete morons was on duty, however, as he was merely injured and not reduced to a pile of idiotic ash. Unfortunately, the caller was no wiser despite his brush with death, and blamed the electric company for his own stupidity.

To his dismay and my delight, I informed the caller that he had no basis whatsoever for a complaint. After being stunned into silence for a moment, he shrieked something about including my agency in the lawsuit, and hung up on me. I hated to see him go, because I felt it was my duty to warn him about other possible hazards that he's clearly too damn stupid to recognize. These warnings would have included:

Don't pee into an electrical outlet.
Fire is pretty, but it can hurt you.
Do not poke a sleeping bear in the genitals (or anywhere else, really).
Avoid stepping into the path of an oncoming train.

And finally: Don't piss off a customer service rep who has access to all your personal information. Moooowah-bwa-ha-ha-ha!


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