My Worst Call of the Day

From the dozens of idiotic calls I take each day as a customer service representative, I humbly submit the winner.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Call Me Back After Taking Your Meds, Okay?

Today's worst caller may well have earned the dubious honor of being the most mentally ill person I've ever spoken with (outside my own family, of course). The caller started out by announcing in a weird, hazy voice that she had a whole laundry list of things she wanted me to take care of. This by itself is not unusual, however irritating I might find it. The trouble is, none of her complaints had anything to do with utilities; and furthermore, I believe that the caller's problems existed only in the carnival sideshow that passes for her mind.

Crazy lady's first complaint was that all her mail was being stolen. And the culprit? "It's all the goddamn illegal aliens in my neighborhood," she said, her voice beginning to slur. She added that these were especially clever illegal aliens, as they had stolen not just her incoming mail, but letters that she had sent out, as well.

The caller then regaled me about her many instances of nearly being raped, assaulted, or murdered by these people. "And on top of that," she continued, "they break in here and steal the fish out of my fishtank. God only knows what they do with them."

At this point, trying hard to rein in my laughter, I felt compelled to inform the caller that there was nothing I could do about these issues. "You mean you can't arrest these bastards and send them back to their own godforsaken countries?" she asked incredulously. I replied that I could not, given that none of this had anything to do with her gas, electric, or phone service.

As I started to refer her to local law enforcement (on the off chance that any of what she said was true), she became angry and accused me of being "in league with THEM." The caller then proceeded to slam the phone down, thus ending my glimpse into the sad but entertaining world of the irretrievably unhinged.


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  • At 4/18/2005 11:53 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    is this your last entry? this site cracks me up - i always send links to my friends....keep it up!!

  • At 4/29/2005 6:01 PM, Anonymous rachel said…

    God, I thought I was crazy.

  • At 5/05/2005 11:10 AM, Blogger Anastasia said…

    I remember one time someone called me for a book price and availability. They didn't have any book isbn codes so we had to go title by title? Her list was something like thirty books long, she owned a bookstore and when I told her that it was preferrable she faxed the list in - only because I had other calls bleeping in my ear - she told me she didn't have a fax machine and I kind of calmly lost control and asked her how she ran a business without one. She calmly told me to 'eff off' and hung up, or yelled it, in her posh voice so I delayed all her book shipments for a week.

  • At 5/06/2005 5:52 AM, Anonymous Mom said…

    Dear Anonymous,

    I know who you are!

    I beg to differ with you about the mental facilities of your family. The only problems that may have occured are with cousins, Moe, Larry and Curly. And they are on your father's side.


    Your Mother


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