My Worst Call of the Day

From the dozens of idiotic calls I take each day as a customer service representative, I humbly submit the winner.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Two Idiotic Phrases I Would Give a Kidney To Never Hear Again


The following are merely two examples of the mindless things I hear every day as a customer service rep:

1. “Are you a real person?” This query comes after I have already introduced myself by name. And I just barely restrain myself from replying, “Think about what you just asked, you lobotomized freak—if I were a recording, you wouldn’t get an answer to this question, and if I am a real person, you’re only going to piss me off with your stupidity.” On days when my patience hasn’t been completely exhausted, I reply to this question with a forced chuckle, saying, “That’s what they tell me around here.” And on bad days, I simply reply with a long, slow, “Yesssssssssssss,” hoping the caller will gauge from my tone exactly how inane his question is.

2. “I’m on a fixed income.” This classic phrase usually comes from some old goat complaining about his electric bill. And it takes everything I have not to scream back, “We’re ALL on a fixed income, you old coot!” In fact, where I come from, no rank-and-file state employees have had raises for over three years! At least with social security, you get cost-of-living increases, so can we please put this tired old phrase to rest? ‘Cause if I hear it one more time, I’m going to crawl through the phone line and snatch out some unlucky caller’s dentures. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.

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